#messy

It’s been a while since we’ve blogged. Not because nothings been going on…but because much has been going on.

I’m sure by now you know that we’ve made it to Nasir! God was so good in providing everything that we needed! It’s been an interesting 6 weeks here. Despite the differences, hardships and challenges, it’s a wonderful gift to know you are exactly where God wants you to be.

The last 6 weeks has been filled with killing mice, scorpions and most recently chickens, as I was desperate for meat. And then there is another dying. A dying of oneself. It hasn’t been a very gracious battle.

As I arrived in Nasir, I quickly realized that my biggest fears in coming here were coming true. My #1 job here is to be a mother to my children.  “But God”, I would cry out, “Why couldn’t you just let me be a mom in Houston! Why would you drag me here, to these difficult conditions, just to be a mom!”. Of course the enemy creeps in with his lies and his schemes of making one feel isolated as they are engulfed in the sin of being so focused on themselves that they can’t remember the truth of who God is!

But once I crawled out of the pit of self pity and back on to the alter as a living sacrifice, God reminded me of these things. God is good, all the time He is good. God loves us more than we love ourselves. God has a heart for the lost. God always keeps His promises.

My struggle just might be the same as some moms back home. Feeling small. Feeling like others are doing more “productive” things. Others have more important ministries. These are more of the enemy’s lies to keep our eyes off of Jesus.

A pestering idol in my heart has been an idol of productivity. Having to do something, so that I can prove myself. Prove myself to others…to God. But I know the truth; any fruit that comes is not of myself but Him.  My job is not productivity but faithfulness.

As he strips away the idols in my heart, I recognize my foolishness. His love for me is greater than my love for myself. And so, the idols, they destroy me.  But He builds me up. He gives life and gives it abundantly. So I said okay God, I’m all in. If my job here is to “ Just be a mom” , I’m all in. But change my heart God. Give me joy God. And guess what. He is. And as I lay myself down, and my eyes are turned on Him, my heavenly father lavishes me with gifts.  Gifts like seeing His heart for my children. Gifts like grasping the weight of discipling my children. And then He gives me two gifts named NyaRet and NyaBul.

NyaRet and Nyabul are two beautiful women that work on our compound. With homeschooling and being a mom. I may only get 30 minutes a day with them.  But this time is cherished time. It’s intentional.  It’s prayed over. It doesn’t look like everybody else’s time but……oh man did you catch that? I was about to compare myself to others.

I’m a work-in progress. A mess actually. But, I love Jesus. And this messy life of mine is all His. I’m all in.  And I think that’s all He asks us for. KP

Step 2 .......

So I'm in this really weird place. It seems like an unfavorable place, and yet I know against my better judgement, that this is an awesome place to be!

Let me preface this post by saying that, people don't get why we are going to South Sudan. And that's okay.

But I have to make sure you understand this:  I know it will be difficult. It is okay. 

I will be on this soap box many times, sharing about the thorns and thistles me or my family are walking through and it is okay! We are expecting them, and we are expecting God to move powerfully through them. 

We are going to South Sudan because God is calling us to go there, and so whatever lies ahead, may I be singing when the evening comes. Worshiping the one who made it all!

So Friday (5 days ago), was my last day at work. So a few days later, I feel as though the Lord has picked me up and dropped me into a whole new world. It's called, being a stay at home mom. First of all, that title sounds really relaxing....it's not. Second of all, this has to be my biggest fear in the entire Universe. 

Those of you who know me, know that I am not scared by much. I usually charge head first into situations, thinking "I've got this" . Not with this, I will start crying at just the thought of it, because I know I'm not good enough or strong enough to do it, let alone do it well. 

And so, here we go. Step one to getting to South Sudan......quit job. Check. 

Step two, begin "Stay at home mom" status................................................... I can't do it!!!

This next part is really ugly, It shows the ugliness within my own heart and so I'm pleading with you not to judge me. 

For as long as I can remember, I have been surrounded by an environment that rewards hard work. You want something in life, you work hard and you get it. Pretty simple. So I've done that, at work. It's awesome! You work hard and you pretty quickly see the benefit of your efforts. Praise, promotions, etc.  

It doesn't work that way for Stay at home moms. My checklists don't get done and I can't seem to keep my house clean. The children don't reward you with compliments when you handled a situation well, or saved money in the budget by not buying something! Honestly, I'm in a little bit of a culture shock. 

On top of that, I am impatient and selfish with very little self control. I snap easily at my kids, and so I just can't do it. So how did Monday (my first day) go? Awesome. 

Yep, I didn't lose my temper once with the kids. I loved them well. We played together. I wasn't consumed with my own agenda, like I normally am. The problem? It wasn't me. I literally have not been myself this week.Staying at home with my kids (whom I love) is such a tremendously difficult task for me that I have been praying almost all day, every day asking God to help me to be the mom that I can't be on my own. And he has answered my prayers. And why is that so horrible? Because it makes me completely, desperately,  dependent on Him. I've got nothing. I can't do this on my own. 

I can only trust Him. 

God is asking me to pour out myself into these little ones. And I'm saying, "but God...theres no immediate reward". "Nobodies here watching me anymore and saying 'Well Done'". I'm no longer "Awesome", I'm a doormat. 

And yet God in His goodness, takes my ugly, selfishness and says. I'm changing you. No you can't do this on your own. You have to trust me. My Grace is sufficient for you. And Lord it is! Cut out this ugliness, whatever the cost. 

I love my children so much, I can't explain it. But I lack so many qualities that "Good Moms" have and so He has to do it! And so when I push people towards discipleship...."Who are you discipling?" I ask...."God commands us to make disciples!",  God has so clearly spoken. 

He has given me these blessings, my children, ...to make disciples. 

Aiden, Benjamin, Brooke.....I love you so much and I thank God for you! May you be blessed by my imperfections. May you know the depths of my love for you, even when I'm struggling to show it...and even more may you know the depths of love that your perfect father has for you, May you know Him, trust Him and walk with Him, pursue Him,  not by my doing...but by His graciousness in me. 

Lord will you give me an obedient heart? Will you give me a servant heart for my kids? 

Thank you for taking me to this place, where I am smothered, engulfed with my own sin. 

And you lovingly take me by the hand and say, I love you and I will never leave you. 

*** For the women who have been walking in this role... I admire you. You are everything I hope to be. I have looked up to you for years, and I am blown away at your sacrifice and the labor that goes into it all! My cousin posted this quote on Facebook yesterday , and I thought it applies well to this subject :-)

"You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make."- Gordon Hinck

Thank you Father, that you modeled a perfect love, a complete pouring out of yourself by your sacrifice on the cross. 

In Jesus name, Amen. 

February, 23, 2010 - Cultivating Compassion & Appreciation

So, I'm up earlier than normal. And I can't get this nagging feeling out of my head, that I'm on the wrong track.
Jared and I have always known that we wanted to serve God through various ministries. Not only that we want to do it, but that we were made to do it.
We do serve in small ways, but we have full time jobs which we are very grateful for.
As we work so hard to provide a "better life" for our children, I realize more and more every day, that providing the "better life" for them may mean that we hinder the cultivation of compassion, appreciation, gratefulness. Is this true?

Growing up, I remember getting excited when a teacher would announce a field trip or in high school when younglife would announce the week long camping trips. I would get excited and overjoyed and then very quickly would realize that I may not be able to participate. The worry and fear that we could not afford it was very real to me. Sometimes through Gods provision, I could go and sometimes, I could not. As an adult, I can appreciate these times of disappointment and wouldn't trade them for anything. Just as we draw closer to the Lord when we are brokenhearted, we can draw closer to the value of appreciation, in the same way. It was because of the times of disappointment, that the times I could participate were even that much more enjoyable and appreciated.

Is it just me or is the attribute of appreciation overlooked? How can I instill this value in my children? We cannot just withhold things from them can we? Part of the fear I experienced growing up was because I KNEW we could not afford certain things. We didn't have a car. The costs of "things" were very real to me.

So what do we do? I can't see the other side of the picture, because I didn't grow up in the same type of environment that I am trying to raise my children in. Can Compassion, Appreciation and gratefulness be cultivated in our home? As well as they were for me?


In the meantime, please pray that we would be patient and wait on the Lord to lay the path that is ahead for us.

-KP

P.S. - Many of you know that my Mom and I had a very rocky relationship. But I can give nothing but gratitude for her working so hard as a single mom, to do her best to give me all she could.

Blessings to you this Tuesday!