Let me preface this post by saying that, people don't get why we are going to South Sudan. And that's okay.
But I have to make sure you understand this: I know it will be difficult. It is okay.
I will be on this soap box many times, sharing about the thorns and thistles me or my family are walking through and it is okay! We are expecting them, and we are expecting God to move powerfully through them.
We are going to South Sudan because God is calling us to go there, and so whatever lies ahead, may I be singing when the evening comes. Worshiping the one who made it all!
So Friday (5 days ago), was my last day at work. So a few days later, I feel as though the Lord has picked me up and dropped me into a whole new world. It's called, being a stay at home mom. First of all, that title sounds really relaxing....it's not. Second of all, this has to be my biggest fear in the entire Universe.
Those of you who know me, know that I am not scared by much. I usually charge head first into situations, thinking "I've got this" . Not with this, I will start crying at just the thought of it, because I know I'm not good enough or strong enough to do it, let alone do it well.
And so, here we go. Step one to getting to South Sudan......quit job. Check.
Step two, begin "Stay at home mom" status................................................... I can't do it!!!
This next part is really ugly, It shows the ugliness within my own heart and so I'm pleading with you not to judge me.
For as long as I can remember, I have been surrounded by an environment that rewards hard work. You want something in life, you work hard and you get it. Pretty simple. So I've done that, at work. It's awesome! You work hard and you pretty quickly see the benefit of your efforts. Praise, promotions, etc.
It doesn't work that way for Stay at home moms. My checklists don't get done and I can't seem to keep my house clean. The children don't reward you with compliments when you handled a situation well, or saved money in the budget by not buying something! Honestly, I'm in a little bit of a culture shock.
On top of that, I am impatient and selfish with very little self control. I snap easily at my kids, and so I just can't do it. So how did Monday (my first day) go? Awesome.
Yep, I didn't lose my temper once with the kids. I loved them well. We played together. I wasn't consumed with my own agenda, like I normally am. The problem? It wasn't me. I literally have not been myself this week.Staying at home with my kids (whom I love) is such a tremendously difficult task for me that I have been praying almost all day, every day asking God to help me to be the mom that I can't be on my own. And he has answered my prayers. And why is that so horrible? Because it makes me completely, desperately, dependent on Him. I've got nothing. I can't do this on my own.
I can only trust Him.
God is asking me to pour out myself into these little ones. And I'm saying, "but God...theres no immediate reward". "Nobodies here watching me anymore and saying 'Well Done'". I'm no longer "Awesome", I'm a doormat.
And yet God in His goodness, takes my ugly, selfishness and says. I'm changing you. No you can't do this on your own. You have to trust me. My Grace is sufficient for you. And Lord it is! Cut out this ugliness, whatever the cost.
I love my children so much, I can't explain it. But I lack so many qualities that "Good Moms" have and so He has to do it! And so when I push people towards discipleship...."Who are you discipling?" I ask...."God commands us to make disciples!", God has so clearly spoken.
He has given me these blessings, my children, ...to make disciples.
Aiden, Benjamin, Brooke.....I love you so much and I thank God for you! May you be blessed by my imperfections. May you know the depths of my love for you, even when I'm struggling to show it...and even more may you know the depths of love that your perfect father has for you, May you know Him, trust Him and walk with Him, pursue Him, not by my doing...but by His graciousness in me.
Lord will you give me an obedient heart? Will you give me a servant heart for my kids?
Thank you for taking me to this place, where I am smothered, engulfed with my own sin.
And you lovingly take me by the hand and say, I love you and I will never leave you.
*** For the women who have been walking in this role... I admire you. You are everything I hope to be. I have looked up to you for years, and I am blown away at your sacrifice and the labor that goes into it all! My cousin posted this quote on Facebook yesterday , and I thought it applies well to this subject :-)
"You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make."- Gordon Hinck
Thank you Father, that you modeled a perfect love, a complete pouring out of yourself by your sacrifice on the cross.
In Jesus name, Amen.
