A walk with Samuel

12/13/13
As I walked with Samuel across the dry cracked ground of Nasir in the dry season on our way to the market, we began to talk about things that he had heard about America. 

The conversation quickly turned to the spiritual condition of our respective home nations. 

We talked about the people in them that were Christians by name only. We talked about the danger of false teaching and how important it was to have the Word of God as the guide to truth. It broke my heart as we talked, and it became finally fully clear that while Samuel called himself a Christian and went to a local church--he was convinced that Jesus was not God. 

He thought he was saved, but insisted that the Jesus he knew was not God. The discomfort of the heat and the walk faded as I realized that our purpose for God calling us here was being confirmed. One-on-one discipleship is for some people here in South Sudan the only way they are going to hear the hope of the Gospel. 

It was apparent that for some, it was going to take a face-to-face conversation with someone that they trust before they would consider the Gospel as truth. An ongoing relationship may be the only way to provide enough specific teaching to correct some of the false teaching that plagues this country, because the people have so little access to the Word of God.   

While I realized that one-on-one discipleship was a necessity, I also became overwhelmed by the task. We are only nine people among 8 million. I understood in a new way the urgency for high quality, locally produced radio that has the capability of reaching the community at large with the truth.

Radio carrying oral Bible stories seem like the only way to give all the people of South Sudan an opportunity to hear of the love and grace that Jesus has offered. I was suddenly grateful for all the hurdles that we had to jump the week before as we pursued improvement and sustainability of local gospel-centered radio. 

All the frustrations we had experienced recently seemed worth it and I am grateful for the opportunity to be part of what God is doing here in Nasir.

#messy

It’s been a while since we’ve blogged. Not because nothings been going on…but because much has been going on.

I’m sure by now you know that we’ve made it to Nasir! God was so good in providing everything that we needed! It’s been an interesting 6 weeks here. Despite the differences, hardships and challenges, it’s a wonderful gift to know you are exactly where God wants you to be.

The last 6 weeks has been filled with killing mice, scorpions and most recently chickens, as I was desperate for meat. And then there is another dying. A dying of oneself. It hasn’t been a very gracious battle.

As I arrived in Nasir, I quickly realized that my biggest fears in coming here were coming true. My #1 job here is to be a mother to my children.  “But God”, I would cry out, “Why couldn’t you just let me be a mom in Houston! Why would you drag me here, to these difficult conditions, just to be a mom!”. Of course the enemy creeps in with his lies and his schemes of making one feel isolated as they are engulfed in the sin of being so focused on themselves that they can’t remember the truth of who God is!

But once I crawled out of the pit of self pity and back on to the alter as a living sacrifice, God reminded me of these things. God is good, all the time He is good. God loves us more than we love ourselves. God has a heart for the lost. God always keeps His promises.

My struggle just might be the same as some moms back home. Feeling small. Feeling like others are doing more “productive” things. Others have more important ministries. These are more of the enemy’s lies to keep our eyes off of Jesus.

A pestering idol in my heart has been an idol of productivity. Having to do something, so that I can prove myself. Prove myself to others…to God. But I know the truth; any fruit that comes is not of myself but Him.  My job is not productivity but faithfulness.

As he strips away the idols in my heart, I recognize my foolishness. His love for me is greater than my love for myself. And so, the idols, they destroy me.  But He builds me up. He gives life and gives it abundantly. So I said okay God, I’m all in. If my job here is to “ Just be a mom” , I’m all in. But change my heart God. Give me joy God. And guess what. He is. And as I lay myself down, and my eyes are turned on Him, my heavenly father lavishes me with gifts.  Gifts like seeing His heart for my children. Gifts like grasping the weight of discipling my children. And then He gives me two gifts named NyaRet and NyaBul.

NyaRet and Nyabul are two beautiful women that work on our compound. With homeschooling and being a mom. I may only get 30 minutes a day with them.  But this time is cherished time. It’s intentional.  It’s prayed over. It doesn’t look like everybody else’s time but……oh man did you catch that? I was about to compare myself to others.

I’m a work-in progress. A mess actually. But, I love Jesus. And this messy life of mine is all His. I’m all in.  And I think that’s all He asks us for. KP

Conservation

So we got a dog. She’s really cute. Her name is ZaZu. From the beginning we knew she was not here for the purpose of being a family member, but more of an alert system for snakes, rats, and other vermin. 

So before ZaZu was even here, we decided she would eat table scraps.

For the first few days, it worked well. ZaZu was getting plenty to eat from the food we couldn’t finish each meal.  But as our eyes began to become more aware of our surroundings and as we came to the realization that some of our meals cost more than 30 times what minimum wage is here, our eating habits began to change.

Soon, we found our bowls empty after each meal. When we made too much food, we creatively found ways to stretch it to make it last another meal. So then, what do we feed Zazu? Dog food here is pretty expensive, so we asked around. What do other Mazungoos (foreigners) feed their dogs? The Answer: Posho and dried fish.

Posho is kind of a flour that thickens into this strange doughy substance. The dried fish is smaller than sardines and very….chewy.  The cost for Zazu to eat this stuff is about 5,000 shillings per week, a little under $2.50 USD.

When it came time to serve Zazu his first meal, we didn’t know how to make it. We had our guard, Mr. Cehphus show us how to cook it. It turns out this special meal we were making for Zazu is a common meal eaten by many locals as well, including Mr. Cehphus.

This by far is the hardest part of being in Uganda for me. I love Uganda: the traffic, the crazy driving, the steep hills, fresh fruit and beautiful views! But in this country, we are considered rich. And we are rich compared to the most of this world. But it’s so obvious here. And so less obvious when we are in the states. I don’t like being so different from everyone else. It’s a painful reminder that many people aren’t nearly as spoiled as I am.

So with that, we do our best to conserve more. Utilize our resources to the best of our ability. Because when we spend less, we can give more. We can bless more. And blessing people in the name of Jesus brings beauty to brokenness.

Abiding

I thought this all through training before I got to Uganda, and it is definitely true now, too.

Life feels deeper to me. Not better, not worse, but deeper.

The balance of contentment and discontentment is in the same place, but life is deeper. It is not that we are in Africa that makes it that way. It is that we are on mission with our glorious, pursuing, missional God. Context and geographical location are secondary. No matter where we are while on mission, it is hard. So hard that it requires daily divine intervention. Each day we surrender a little more of our will for more of His. Each day we die to our selves just a bit more so that He lives a bit more through us.

This process is not something that can be done with our ambition or talent or resolve. It is a miracle. It forces you to go to God moment by moment. It forces you to rely more completely on His provision. In the midst of reliance, intimacy increases. Maybe God calls us to join His mission not just for the sake of drawing others closer to Himself, but also to draw us into circumstances that He can use to draw us into the depth of life that is abiding in Him.

Along the journey of the good works that He has arranged for us, we find that the Lord has us at the destination already: Resting in His arms.

Sometimes I am so blind. Turns out, that is OK.

   A little over 8 weeks ago Keisha and I were given an assignment in our training with Every Village to come up with a strategy to reach out to people. Very soon I felt the Lord leading us to sit with a sign in a public place that said "How may we pray for you" --Simple idea. We had no idea if it was a good strategy or if it works, but we went with it. --

     We have been going every Friday at 3pm to Memorial Park with our sign and sitting there waiting. Normally we have one, and only one, person stop for prayer. Last Friday was a little different though and it put the rest of our time in perspective. At first we had some interactions with people that didn’t stop but just answered our sign with fun things like “that I can finish this lap strong”  and “that I don’t pass out” We also had a lady stop and ask for prayer for her father who has cancer. God keeps encouraging us with at least one request each time we go but the Lord really encouraged me on a much deeper level this time. As I sat there and pondered why I was sitting there and about the presence and activity of God. I suddenly knew that it did not matter if people stopped or not. It does not matter if we have spontaneous  relationships with people that do not know Jesus, or if we see people come to trust in Jesus through those relationships. Of course that is our hope and our purpose for being there (as well as to encourage and pray on others behalf hoping God will answer and draw people closer to Himself) but  in the end it does not matter what we saw with our eyes.  It does not matter if we are gratified by a positive result. Could it be that the sign and the weekly presence is making an impact on hundreds of people that I will never see? Is it possible that the Lord regularly answers our prayer... that there is a “distinct feeling of peace and warmth as people pass in front of us”? What is the impact of this momentary event?  

     As I watched pairs of people look over and start talking about the sign, I don’t know if they are making fun or if they are starting a life altering conversation about their differing beliefs. I am realizing though, that God does what He wants and He is capable of the latter. The most encouraging part though is that results matter a lot less than before. It’s a lot harder to become discouraged knowing that there are unseen things happening below the surface. There is an untold number of small interactions we have throughout our years that are unbeknownst to us, absolutely changing lives. There are moments in our life that we walk away from saying, “I failed” and maybe God has used them more powerfully than the opportunities that we wish we had. I know this, your God is indeed using your life even if you can’t really see how, and one day when all that is sad becomes untrue, and we are at the wedding supper that is promised, there will be some talk of the things that He did, that we were blind to see. 

It is not your business to succeed, but to do right; when you have done so, the rest lies with God. -C.S. Lewis

Vision Trip

(Bad punctuation follows)

In March of this year, our team went to visit Nasir, and I had the opportunity to see the place where I would be moving to for the first time. What I saw was not a shock to me, Although the people were even more beautiful than I had imagined. Everything else looked exactly like the pictures.  A dry, desolate land, far away from anything this world would consider as valuable. The heat however, was worse than I could have imagined. It was brutal. 

Because of my childhood, I tend to view myself as someone who can take on any challenge, someone who can make the most of an awful situation.  So I felt equipped for anything that might come my way in Nasir. But after 24 hours of being there, as the heat was relentless and I could literally look in certain directions and see absolutely nothing, the reality set in that this was an impossible task. That despite my own strength, despite my history of overcoming so much, that this was too big for me. Discouragement almost overtook me in that moment, but God in a beautiful and tender way, said "It is too big for you. But not for me. Because My power is made perfect in your weakness."  And then I remembered… that little girl, who fought so hard to overcome abuse, didn't do it on her own. It was Christ IN me, the Hope of Glory. It was Him at work in my church, the body of Christ, loving me and supporting me.  How great is our God!

After that tear filled moment where I saw my complete weakness, and I saw the Lords beautiful grace towards me, I was able to see Nasir differently. I had a Hope rising up inside of me. That the power of the living God was here. That he desires the hearts of the people in South Sudan. For years the enemy has had a grip on this place and on these people. And our prayer is that a great awakening will come to South Sudan. And then, that He will restore the years that the locust have eaten.   

Upon my return to Houston, I started the difficult logistics of preparing for an overseas move. Letting my sons Blue Ribbon school know that someone else can have his place next year. Putting cheap price tags on pretty much everything in our house as we prepare for a series of garage sales, so that we can take as little with us to Nasir as possible. Adjusting to the pay cut and saying good-bye to dearly loved friends and family. I have often felt that I have to give up so much! And then God shows me the deception in that. The women leaving their homes at 8 at night to pray together on my family’s behalf….A complete stranger, asking the Lord to give her scripture to pray for each individual  on our team…including my kids,  and then giving each of us a token  of her commitment to pray. The costly sacrifice that many of our supporters are surrendering. Bag after bag of clothes for my daughter so that we don’t have to worry about another expense. Surprise phone calls from people in the church who “just want to help”.  I think I’m giving up so much and yet that just isn’t true. I’m gaining more than I ever could have imagined, and I haven’t even left. His power is made perfect in my weakness.  Christ IN me the Hope of Glory. Him at work in the body of Christ!

Praise His name!

If I could end by just blessing you with scripture that the Lord has laid on my heart. Maybe you feel like I did as I looked across that barren land. Maybe you’re facing a seemingly impossible situation:

One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may DWELL in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. 

And because you are sons, God has sent the spirit of His Son into our hearts crying, "Abba, Father!", so you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son then an heir through God. Nothing can separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. ¹⁰ 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" Therefore I will gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 

¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. ¹⁹ Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰ for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. 

Not to us O Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness!

-KP

Step 2 .......

So I'm in this really weird place. It seems like an unfavorable place, and yet I know against my better judgement, that this is an awesome place to be!

Let me preface this post by saying that, people don't get why we are going to South Sudan. And that's okay.

But I have to make sure you understand this:  I know it will be difficult. It is okay. 

I will be on this soap box many times, sharing about the thorns and thistles me or my family are walking through and it is okay! We are expecting them, and we are expecting God to move powerfully through them. 

We are going to South Sudan because God is calling us to go there, and so whatever lies ahead, may I be singing when the evening comes. Worshiping the one who made it all!

So Friday (5 days ago), was my last day at work. So a few days later, I feel as though the Lord has picked me up and dropped me into a whole new world. It's called, being a stay at home mom. First of all, that title sounds really relaxing....it's not. Second of all, this has to be my biggest fear in the entire Universe. 

Those of you who know me, know that I am not scared by much. I usually charge head first into situations, thinking "I've got this" . Not with this, I will start crying at just the thought of it, because I know I'm not good enough or strong enough to do it, let alone do it well. 

And so, here we go. Step one to getting to South Sudan......quit job. Check. 

Step two, begin "Stay at home mom" status................................................... I can't do it!!!

This next part is really ugly, It shows the ugliness within my own heart and so I'm pleading with you not to judge me. 

For as long as I can remember, I have been surrounded by an environment that rewards hard work. You want something in life, you work hard and you get it. Pretty simple. So I've done that, at work. It's awesome! You work hard and you pretty quickly see the benefit of your efforts. Praise, promotions, etc.  

It doesn't work that way for Stay at home moms. My checklists don't get done and I can't seem to keep my house clean. The children don't reward you with compliments when you handled a situation well, or saved money in the budget by not buying something! Honestly, I'm in a little bit of a culture shock. 

On top of that, I am impatient and selfish with very little self control. I snap easily at my kids, and so I just can't do it. So how did Monday (my first day) go? Awesome. 

Yep, I didn't lose my temper once with the kids. I loved them well. We played together. I wasn't consumed with my own agenda, like I normally am. The problem? It wasn't me. I literally have not been myself this week.Staying at home with my kids (whom I love) is such a tremendously difficult task for me that I have been praying almost all day, every day asking God to help me to be the mom that I can't be on my own. And he has answered my prayers. And why is that so horrible? Because it makes me completely, desperately,  dependent on Him. I've got nothing. I can't do this on my own. 

I can only trust Him. 

God is asking me to pour out myself into these little ones. And I'm saying, "but God...theres no immediate reward". "Nobodies here watching me anymore and saying 'Well Done'". I'm no longer "Awesome", I'm a doormat. 

And yet God in His goodness, takes my ugly, selfishness and says. I'm changing you. No you can't do this on your own. You have to trust me. My Grace is sufficient for you. And Lord it is! Cut out this ugliness, whatever the cost. 

I love my children so much, I can't explain it. But I lack so many qualities that "Good Moms" have and so He has to do it! And so when I push people towards discipleship...."Who are you discipling?" I ask...."God commands us to make disciples!",  God has so clearly spoken. 

He has given me these blessings, my children, ...to make disciples. 

Aiden, Benjamin, Brooke.....I love you so much and I thank God for you! May you be blessed by my imperfections. May you know the depths of my love for you, even when I'm struggling to show it...and even more may you know the depths of love that your perfect father has for you, May you know Him, trust Him and walk with Him, pursue Him,  not by my doing...but by His graciousness in me. 

Lord will you give me an obedient heart? Will you give me a servant heart for my kids? 

Thank you for taking me to this place, where I am smothered, engulfed with my own sin. 

And you lovingly take me by the hand and say, I love you and I will never leave you. 

*** For the women who have been walking in this role... I admire you. You are everything I hope to be. I have looked up to you for years, and I am blown away at your sacrifice and the labor that goes into it all! My cousin posted this quote on Facebook yesterday , and I thought it applies well to this subject :-)

"You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make."- Gordon Hinck

Thank you Father, that you modeled a perfect love, a complete pouring out of yourself by your sacrifice on the cross. 

In Jesus name, Amen.