It’s been a while since we’ve blogged. Not because nothings
been going on…but because much has been going on.
I’m sure by now you know that we’ve made it to Nasir! God
was so good in providing everything that we needed! It’s been an interesting 6
weeks here. Despite the differences, hardships and challenges, it’s a wonderful
gift to know you are exactly where God wants you to be.
The last 6 weeks has been filled with killing mice,
scorpions and most recently chickens, as I was desperate for meat. And then
there is another dying. A dying of oneself. It hasn’t been a very gracious
battle.
As I arrived in Nasir, I quickly realized that my biggest
fears in coming here were coming true. My #1 job here is to be a mother to my
children. “But God”, I would cry out,
“Why couldn’t you just let me be a mom in Houston! Why would you drag me here, to these difficult conditions, just to be a mom!”. Of course the enemy creeps in with his lies and his schemes
of making one feel isolated as they are engulfed in the sin of being so focused
on themselves that they can’t remember the truth of who God is!
But once I crawled out of the pit of self pity and back on
to the alter as a living sacrifice, God reminded me of these things. God is
good, all the time He is good. God loves us more than we love ourselves. God
has a heart for the lost. God always keeps His promises.
My struggle just might be the same as some moms back home.
Feeling small. Feeling like others are doing more “productive” things. Others
have more important ministries. These are more of the enemy’s lies to keep our
eyes off of Jesus.
A pestering idol in my heart has been an idol of
productivity. Having to do something, so that I can prove myself. Prove myself
to others…to God. But I know the truth; any fruit that comes is not of myself
but Him. My job is not productivity but
faithfulness.
As he strips away the idols in my heart, I recognize my
foolishness. His love for me is greater than my love for myself. And so, the
idols, they destroy me. But He builds me
up. He gives life and gives it abundantly. So I said okay God, I’m all in. If
my job here is to “ Just be a mom” , I’m all in. But change my heart God. Give
me joy God. And guess what. He is. And as I lay myself down, and my eyes are
turned on Him, my heavenly father lavishes me with gifts. Gifts like seeing His heart for my children.
Gifts like grasping the weight of discipling my children. And then He gives me
two gifts named NyaRet and NyaBul.
NyaRet and Nyabul are two beautiful women that work on our
compound. With homeschooling and being a mom. I may only get 30 minutes a day
with them. But this time is cherished
time. It’s intentional. It’s prayed
over. It doesn’t look like everybody else’s time but……oh man did you catch
that? I was about to compare myself to others.
I’m a work-in progress. A mess actually. But, I love Jesus.
And this messy life of mine is all His. I’m all in. And I think that’s all He asks us for. KP
